the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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