Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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