I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
