Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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