You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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