so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
