the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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