I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
