I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
