If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
