1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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