The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
