So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?