I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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