My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
