Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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