I'm lost and stupid without you.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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