You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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