remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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