Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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