Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let's get the cat blown out
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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