I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
