my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
