I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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