Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
