I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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