I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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