just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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