I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
