So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I pour the whiskey from now on
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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