U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i need some magic done to my vagina
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
