I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
