Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
