Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
