What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
