shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
