I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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