I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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