this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
