ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was born a porn star she said
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
