the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
