fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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