i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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