Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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