I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Is it because I queefed?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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