My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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