in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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