Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
