He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
