I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
