careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
