I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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