Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
