Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
