Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
