I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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