I can tuck mytits in my pants
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
