you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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